Update

On May 28th, I made a whole post about the pain I suffer from everyday. I had high hopes I could lose weight and feel better. But sadly I found myself standing on the scale at the doctor's office (Didn't I say I didn't want to go?) today and weighing in at 267 (with shoes, clothes and purse WTH???)

I finally told a doctor about my pain and she heard me. She heard me tell her that my ability to take care of my children has diminished. That my husband is tired of shouldering the financial burden and trying to pick up my slack. That I don't like the person I am when I am in pain (which is most of the time). She poked, prodded and questioned me.

I told her that being in pain makes me want to die. I am not suicidal but I'm pretty fed up with living like this. Because I'm not really living right now. I'm existing and that's not enough. That's not enough to be a good mother, spouse or person.

After I saw the doctor, I silently cried in the waiting room while I waited for the lab tech to come get me to take my blood. Because my doctor, this lady whom I just met today who HEARD me? She says unless something "abnormal" comes up on my blood work, she firmly believes I have Fibromyalgia. And that, that is devastating to me.

I am 27 years old and if I have Fibromyalgia I will live the rest of my life in pain. That is not a life I want to live.

I have not given up yet however and I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I am anxious for Friday to come with it's test results and I'm reading a whole lot.

Wait? Weight?

I wasn't able to weigh myself till Wednesday. I *THINK* my start weight was 265. On Wednesday it was 263 and today it was 260. I won't be able to weigh myself everyday till I find a scale I like but at least I have some idea of where I am starting from. I am not making a weight goal but I do have a pair of "goal jeans" I would like to get into.

So today was my day three. I didn't do so well. I am having a hard time trying to monitor my diet while I'm out of the house. I am doing these shakes and when I'm at home, it's OK, but when I have 900 places to be and four kids to mind and severe ADHD?

I lose. I think I will lose every time in that scenario.

I'm ready for this week to be done.

New Beginnings

I don't have a lot of time to make this post because it's late and my husband is shaving. (That's a big deal *wink wink*) But I wanted to post my Memorial Day update. First, I think it is great that we live in a country that tries to appreciate it's armed services and give them the credit they're due. I think there are very valuable lessons to teach our children on this holiday that is known for "Being the start of Summer." I hope to instill in my children, a great respect for all who service and the families who support our service members.

Let me say with this "Day 1" post, I have realized how infrequently I get my picture taken. The pictures I've seen of me in the last three years have all been profile pictures that showcase my father's nose and my mother's double chin (hey, I'm being honest here) or they have me with my mouth agape or looking startled. I laughed nervously through this little photo session but the pictures don't show that. These pictures show a terrified overweight woman who desperately wants to change her life.

Without further ado...



Hi, that's me, SM. I'm actually a girly girl which you couldn't possibly tell by my lack of makeup, bad hair covered in a bandanna (dude, I've got ROOTS)and not a single piece of jewelry in sight.

This is my body...after four kids, many nights of Taco Bell, Chipotle, and Burger King, heaps of stress, genetic propensity and a whole lot of daily pain.


Don't think I'm making excuses, this IS my fault...



This is my fault because I lack self control. Because while I do think I'm a selfish person, I don't put my health first because I don't love myself. Wait...did I just say that? OMGosh...That's huge eh? I hope my chair here is as comfy as a shrink's couch because I've got a lot of "stuff" to declutter to get to the other side of this mountain.

It burns us! It burns us!!

My shoulders are burning right now and they're a little swollen, the feeling stretches across my back. It feels like the muscles are screaming and every nerve ending is revolting. My upper thighs hurt in a similar fashion. My knees ache and I have no energy. Today is a "bad day." I have a lot of bad days. Being in pain makes me irrational, moody, short tempered and all around it morphs me into a person who isn't very nice to be around.

I'll be honest with you, I've been having problems with pain for over a year now and I've never been to the doctor. For several reasons, first, my mother was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia last year and she's had a very hard time getting her doctor to listen her. Second, if I do have Fibromyalgia I feel like the only treatment is anti-inflammatory meds (which today sound like a good idea..) and pain medicine on an everyday basis. And I've seen my mom, her quality of life isn't greatly increased by these measures. Third? She had to go through a lot of testing and I'm really not interested in the poking and prodding. (Can you tell I hate Doctors and medicine yet?)

When I work out I feel worse. I am even more exhausted and I literally do not accomplish anything on the days I work out. Having four children and homeschooling don't really go well with being unable to function.

The hope is that I am going to lose a significant amount of weight fairly rapidly and I will be able to see if my weight is what's causing the pain. If I don't see some improvement soon in the pain arena, I'm going to have to suck it up and go to the doctor. (Who knows I'm fat and I'm going to diet but doesn't know I live in pain most of the time)

PS My husband thinks I have cancer.

Once Upon a Time...

There was a little girl who dreamt about being a ballet dancer. She dreamt of having a GRACEFUL long, lean and strong body. However, her mother didn't think she was a good fit for dance, so she never actually took dance lessons. It turns out genetically? She wasn't so blessed. Apparently, she had these fine ladies in her gene pool...



And not a single day in her life has she been graceful, lean or able to dance.

I have given up on having the ability to dance. I think my mom realized that I was never going to be a dancer right from the start because I am a complete klutz. I'm uncoordinated and I truly believe I have two left feet. It took me months to learn even the basics of crochet because I am right/left challenged.

As far as my weight? It escalated when I went through puberty. I have always been one of those girls you could look at and whisper sadly "Oh if she's not careful she's going to be F-A-T."

After having two baby boys...I was officially F-A-T. And through the marvelous experience of starving myself and getting separated from my husband for about 6 months I dropped about 60lbs. (Don't worry, the romance story has a happy ending, the size of my ass however does not.)


This picture is post separation crash diet...

After some serious couples work, I begged and pleaded to have another baby. I wanted to try for "the girl." And miracle of all miracles we were blessed with one. (Search Dr. Shettles for baby sex info) I lost a lot of the pregnancy weight in the first few weeks only to gain it all back when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression.

And when my princess was about 15 months old and I was finally starting to feel less depressed? We got a positive pregnancy test, which was kind of a shock because our other children had been planned and #4 wasn't in OUR plans. I had a really awful pregnancy but I gave birth to a beautiful little boy who has totally stolen my heart. But because I never lost the weight after my daughter was born, I weighed even more after my youngest son was born.

Which brings us to today. My youngest son is now 16 months and I weigh more than I ever have in my life. I weigh enough for two people. The equivalent of a HEALTHY baby elephant.

But I'm tired of being so uncomfortable, having no energy and being in pain all the time. I'm not meant to weigh this much and I can't expect my body to hold out long term without serious medical complications. So I'm changing my ways (weighs?) starting June 1st. I'm sure there will be many laughs (it's okay to laugh at yourself right?) and possibly some tears, I hope you'll join me.